Follow Your Child's Bliss

Rena Subotnik has spent years researching childhood and adulthood creativity. Affiliated with the American Psychological Association (APA), Subotnik discovered that children who are encouraged to follow their passion (i.e. football, dance, chess) are typically more creative in navigating setbacks and exhibit more self-discipline. She notes that by contrast, "kids given superficial exposure to many activities don't have the same centeredness to overcome periods of difficulty" (Subotnik, R. as cited in July 19, 2010 Newsweek magazine, P. 50).

Some questions to consider...

-Do you know what your child is passionate about?

-How are you supporting him in following his bliss?

-Have you fallen into our society's current belief that the more after-school activities your child participates in the better off he will be?

-Are you following your bliss as a parent and leading by example?

-How can you cultivate your own sense of passion in your life? What is stopping you from doing so?

All About After School: 5 things to remember when it comes to sports, homework, screentime, and food.

1) Avoid over scheduling your child's afternoons. While after school sports and activities can (and do) promote healthy growth and development, having too many structured activities actually inhibits children's creativity and fosters anxiety. Children who have all of their after school hours accounted for learn to undervalue "being" and overvalue "doing." They tend to struggle with boredom, anxiety, and restlessness during periods of free time which has ramifications on both present and future well being. Consider scheduling "open time" in your child's afternoon to support her creativity, imagination, and soul development. She's had enough structure during her school day, so give her time to shine and move at her own pace.

2) Allow your child to complete her homework when she feels ready. Avoid power struggles by giving your child the opportunity to do her homework on her watch. Most parents want their kids to internalize a strong work ethic, and a sense of self-discipline and responsibility, so give them the opportunity by letting them choose when and how to complete their work. Consider giving your child a time frame in which to complete her work (i.e. "Anytime between now and dinner time.") and let her get creative about ways to complete it (i.e. drawing pictures of the story she just read; learning fractions through cutting fruit). Homework can be fun when your child believes she has a say in how it goes!

3) Limit screen time. As a parent, it's up to you to decide just how much screen time you want your kiddo to have each day. Keep in mind that TV, videogames, and websurfing overstimulate children mentally, and understimulate them physically...a recipe for classroom hyperactivity and attention problems. Think about it...if you grow accustomed to rich digital visuals and sounds effects, it is going to be a lot harder to find your science lecture all that stimulating, especially if you have a bunch of pent up energy! Consider substituting screen time for the aforementioned "free time" to give your child the gift of movement and technology-free fun.

4) Help your child make healthy snack choices. Your child's food choices and eating habits are largely influenced by your own. Take steps to model healthy eating and be aware of how your child responds to your lead. If you notice that your child is routinely craving sugary, fatty snacks after school, it could be a sign the she is experiencing some anxiety relating to school or the after school routine. If you suspect this is the case, spend some time snuggling, laughing, and connecting after school to ease her discomfort and then suggest chowing down on some carrot sticks and almonds.

5) Connect, connect, connect. The most important part of your child's day is the time she gets to connect with you. Your daily presence teaches her she matters, that she's loved, and will help her internalize the positive self-esteem necessary for establishing healthy future realtionships. The importance of quality connecting time far surpasses what she learned in school today, so utilize after school time mindfully. Your presence will make her day!

Why Punishment and Rewards Don't Work

• Do you wonder why your children still won't complete their chores, even after you have taken away their allowance or offered to buy them something special?
  
• Have you tried every combination of the stick and the carrot and notice that your kids are simply growing more defiant and manipulative?
  
• Do you notice that you just don't feel right after you have sent your child to his room for a timeout?
  
• Do you notice a holding in your body when you set a tit-for-tat deal with your kids?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you have seen for yourself the ineffectiveness of the punishment and reward game. Unfortunately in this culture, we have been implicitly taught that children have no concern for their own or others' well-being. In response to this belief, we use punishment and rewards as an attempt to control and manipulate children to do what we want them to as a way to insure that everybody's needs will get met. The problem with this strategy however is that a child's needs cannot be met when another individual is attempting to control him. Just take a moment to remember a time when you were not in harm's way, yet someone tried to control you. Now ask yourself, were your needs were met?...I didn't think so.


So why is it that we attempt to control our children through punishment and reward?


Parents frequently tell me they use punishment as a means of teaching their children valuable lessons, such as self-discipline and respect. However, if you use punishment as a way of getting your children to aquiese to your desires, you begin to instill in them a sense of fear, rigidity, and low self-esteem. Individuals who have learned to complete tasks out of fear of punishment learn to undervalue their own needs, which in turn can lead to anxiety, depression, addictions, and other forms of self-harm. Furthermore, punishment never teaches children to do or not do the desired task, it simply teaches them to avoid punishment.


Using rewards results in a similar less-than-ideal situation. Parents often reward their children with the intention of reinforcing their kids' sense of responsibility and work ethic, however they are actually teaching them that manipulating others is an okay means of getting their needs met. Mom and Dad dangle carrots in front of their children as a way of getting their needs met (manipulation), and seem perplexed when the kids start dangling carrots in front of their noses. ("No, I told you to clean your room if you want your allowance! What do you mean you'll clean your room only after I give you your allowance?) In this senario, parents indirectly send the message to their kids that you cannot trust that others will want to contribute to your needs, and that it is not okay to be honest about your needs. With rewards, children also lose interest in and presence with the task at hand, focusing only on the end goal. They learn that it's all about the destination, not the journey.



As members of society, we have become so conditioned to think that using rewards and punishments is the only way to get our needs met, that many of us have lost touch with the truth that people both young and old have the innate desire to contribute to one another for that reason alone. If we as parents and caretakers begin to trust that our children long for our well-being just as we long for theirs, we can start to be more honest about our needs and make requests of our kids...not demands and manipulations.



So next time you are wanting your child to do something, take a moment to consider the impact punishing or rewarding may have on your child's long-term well-being, and ask yourself if the short-term results justify the long-term consequences. If you decide that the means do not justify the end, then try making a request of your child and be flexible with your strategies to get your needs met.



For more on the negative impacts of punishments and rewards, and alternative ways of being with your children, please check out Alphie Kohn online at www.alphiekohn.org/articles/htm or Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication: A Language of Compassion.

10 Signs that your Child is Asking for Help

• How do you know if your child needs to come in for therapy?
• What changes in your child's behavior have you noticed over the last few months/ the last year?
• When do you have an aversion to being around your child? When do you love spending time with him/her?
• Have you been having more melt-downs recently when your child begins acting out?
• If your child needs therapy, does it mean your a bad parent?

Your child may be asking for help if...

1. Her play has gotten increasingly violent or chaotic. Adults can usually tell by the toys children choose, the dialogue, or the level of energy. You have developed an aversion to being around your child during play, and aren't quite sure why. Isn't play supposed to be fun?

2. He is potty-trained, but has regular accidents during the day or at night. You are confused as to why you need to have him in Pull-Ups at this age and are concerned that his school, or your friends will start to question you about this issue.

3. She comes home from school complaining that she was bullied again. You've talked with her about staying safe at school and even had a conversation with her principal about the bully, but nothing seems to be changing and you don't want this to continue.

4. He is terrified to go to daycare/school. For no apparent reason, he has started throwing temper tantrums in the mornings stating that he won't come to school and that he is sick. You have tried everything from giving him incentives, to demanding he get in the car, to giving in and letting him stay home. Nothing seems to work!

5. She just isn't making any friends. Even with school and after-school activities, she is unable to make friends. The other kids tell her she's mean, dorky, or that she cries too much, and in her frustration she sometimes lashes out at them. Since you can't be there with her at school, it's hard for you to know how to help her socialize.

6. He's achieving below his potential in school. Almost out of the blue, he has stopped performing to his potential. He used to be a good student, but now he's no longer completing/turning in assignments and his grades are suffering. You've spoken with his teacher and she agrees that he is capable of more.

7. She hasn't been acting like herself lately. Your loving child has recently been acting like a monster. Your outgoing child has become so quiet and scared. You know something's not right, but when you ask her what's going on, she tells you she's fine.

8. He just won't stop fighting with his siblings. You know that a degree of sibling rivalry is normal, but this is getting to be too much! Whenever he's around them, he picks a fight that normally ends up with somebody crying and you yelling. You want some peace and ease, but don't know how to keep him from antagonizing his brothers and sisters.

9. She's handling a big event or transition way too well. You are shocked, and a little suspicious, that she hasn't made a bigger deal out of what has happened. You are still dealing with the after effects of the change, but she constantly lets you know that she is doing just fine and that nothing's wrong.

10. He won't stop lying. You even have proof that he's not telling the truth, but he won't fess up. You are frustrated, and baffled. He would get in so much less trouble if he just told me the truth!

Being a good parent means listening to the subtle cues your child gives you when her needs are not being met, and taking action to meet those needs. For example, you feed her when she starts getting fussy, you put her to bed when her eyes are at half-mast. The above list gives examples of cues children give their parents when something is bothering them. You can never be a bad parent by listening to your child and seeking out support when support is needed.

Giving from the Heart for the Holidays

With the holidays quickly approaching, take a moment to reflect on your energy and intention behind giving this season. With all the gifts you have yet to buy, the meals you have to make, and the parties you have yet to throw, chances are that you feeling stressed out! Notice if this is the case, and if you have begun feeling a sense of resentment, anger, or aggravation. Giving can take a lot of energy when it is done out of a sense of duty and obligation. Everyone, including you, pays the price when you give from this energy, when giving becomes a "have to."

So, instead of giving out of duty and obligation this winter, choose to give from the heart. Take a moment to connect to the needs behind your giving. Perhaps you have a need for the well-being of your children and neighbors. Perhaps you get a sense of meaning and purpose out of providing a delicious meal for your family. Perhaps you have the deep need to celebrate and play with those closest to you. First connect to what is alive in you and then take action, then head to the mall or the grocery store. Everyone will benefit from this type of giving.

As Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion says:

"When we give from the heart, we do so out of a joy that springs forth whenever we willingly enrich another person's life. This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results when we see our efforts contributing to someone's well-being" (Rosenberg, 1999, p.5).

"On Children" from Kahlil Gibran's book, The Prophet

On Children

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.

And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

-Kahlil Gibran

Spend some time outside this winter

Here in Oregon, the rain and grey have begun. And though you and your family may have started hunkering down for the winter, it could be time to start venturing outside. Now that the days are shorter and there are fewer hours of sunlight, our bodies are producing lower levels of serotonin, melatonin, and are getting less Vitamin D. Lower levels of these neurotransmitters, hormones, and vitamins contribute to the "winter blues." Thus, for the well-being of yourself and your kiddos, find creative ways to get yourselves outside for at least a half an hour a day. 

Consider walking to school instead of driving, going to the park instead of watching a movie. Have the kids come along on your daily dog walks, or spend some time climbing a tree. Find a field and twirl together in the rain, faces pointing upward toward the sky. Have fun and get creative!