Why Punishment and Rewards Don't Work

• Do you wonder why your children still won't complete their chores, even after you have taken away their allowance or offered to buy them something special?
  
• Have you tried every combination of the stick and the carrot and notice that your kids are simply growing more defiant and manipulative?
  
• Do you notice that you just don't feel right after you have sent your child to his room for a timeout?
  
• Do you notice a holding in your body when you set a tit-for-tat deal with your kids?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then you have seen for yourself the ineffectiveness of the punishment and reward game. Unfortunately in this culture, we have been implicitly taught that children have no concern for their own or others' well-being. In response to this belief, we use punishment and rewards as an attempt to control and manipulate children to do what we want them to as a way to insure that everybody's needs will get met. The problem with this strategy however is that a child's needs cannot be met when another individual is attempting to control him. Just take a moment to remember a time when you were not in harm's way, yet someone tried to control you. Now ask yourself, were your needs were met?...I didn't think so.


So why is it that we attempt to control our children through punishment and reward?


Parents frequently tell me they use punishment as a means of teaching their children valuable lessons, such as self-discipline and respect. However, if you use punishment as a way of getting your children to aquiese to your desires, you begin to instill in them a sense of fear, rigidity, and low self-esteem. Individuals who have learned to complete tasks out of fear of punishment learn to undervalue their own needs, which in turn can lead to anxiety, depression, addictions, and other forms of self-harm. Furthermore, punishment never teaches children to do or not do the desired task, it simply teaches them to avoid punishment.


Using rewards results in a similar less-than-ideal situation. Parents often reward their children with the intention of reinforcing their kids' sense of responsibility and work ethic, however they are actually teaching them that manipulating others is an okay means of getting their needs met. Mom and Dad dangle carrots in front of their children as a way of getting their needs met (manipulation), and seem perplexed when the kids start dangling carrots in front of their noses. ("No, I told you to clean your room if you want your allowance! What do you mean you'll clean your room only after I give you your allowance?) In this senario, parents indirectly send the message to their kids that you cannot trust that others will want to contribute to your needs, and that it is not okay to be honest about your needs. With rewards, children also lose interest in and presence with the task at hand, focusing only on the end goal. They learn that it's all about the destination, not the journey.



As members of society, we have become so conditioned to think that using rewards and punishments is the only way to get our needs met, that many of us have lost touch with the truth that people both young and old have the innate desire to contribute to one another for that reason alone. If we as parents and caretakers begin to trust that our children long for our well-being just as we long for theirs, we can start to be more honest about our needs and make requests of our kids...not demands and manipulations.



So next time you are wanting your child to do something, take a moment to consider the impact punishing or rewarding may have on your child's long-term well-being, and ask yourself if the short-term results justify the long-term consequences. If you decide that the means do not justify the end, then try making a request of your child and be flexible with your strategies to get your needs met.



For more on the negative impacts of punishments and rewards, and alternative ways of being with your children, please check out Alphie Kohn online at www.alphiekohn.org/articles/htm or Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication: A Language of Compassion.

10 Signs that your Child is Asking for Help

• How do you know if your child needs to come in for therapy?
• What changes in your child's behavior have you noticed over the last few months/ the last year?
• When do you have an aversion to being around your child? When do you love spending time with him/her?
• Have you been having more melt-downs recently when your child begins acting out?
• If your child needs therapy, does it mean your a bad parent?

Your child may be asking for help if...

1. Her play has gotten increasingly violent or chaotic. Adults can usually tell by the toys children choose, the dialogue, or the level of energy. You have developed an aversion to being around your child during play, and aren't quite sure why. Isn't play supposed to be fun?

2. He is potty-trained, but has regular accidents during the day or at night. You are confused as to why you need to have him in Pull-Ups at this age and are concerned that his school, or your friends will start to question you about this issue.

3. She comes home from school complaining that she was bullied again. You've talked with her about staying safe at school and even had a conversation with her principal about the bully, but nothing seems to be changing and you don't want this to continue.

4. He is terrified to go to daycare/school. For no apparent reason, he has started throwing temper tantrums in the mornings stating that he won't come to school and that he is sick. You have tried everything from giving him incentives, to demanding he get in the car, to giving in and letting him stay home. Nothing seems to work!

5. She just isn't making any friends. Even with school and after-school activities, she is unable to make friends. The other kids tell her she's mean, dorky, or that she cries too much, and in her frustration she sometimes lashes out at them. Since you can't be there with her at school, it's hard for you to know how to help her socialize.

6. He's achieving below his potential in school. Almost out of the blue, he has stopped performing to his potential. He used to be a good student, but now he's no longer completing/turning in assignments and his grades are suffering. You've spoken with his teacher and she agrees that he is capable of more.

7. She hasn't been acting like herself lately. Your loving child has recently been acting like a monster. Your outgoing child has become so quiet and scared. You know something's not right, but when you ask her what's going on, she tells you she's fine.

8. He just won't stop fighting with his siblings. You know that a degree of sibling rivalry is normal, but this is getting to be too much! Whenever he's around them, he picks a fight that normally ends up with somebody crying and you yelling. You want some peace and ease, but don't know how to keep him from antagonizing his brothers and sisters.

9. She's handling a big event or transition way too well. You are shocked, and a little suspicious, that she hasn't made a bigger deal out of what has happened. You are still dealing with the after effects of the change, but she constantly lets you know that she is doing just fine and that nothing's wrong.

10. He won't stop lying. You even have proof that he's not telling the truth, but he won't fess up. You are frustrated, and baffled. He would get in so much less trouble if he just told me the truth!

Being a good parent means listening to the subtle cues your child gives you when her needs are not being met, and taking action to meet those needs. For example, you feed her when she starts getting fussy, you put her to bed when her eyes are at half-mast. The above list gives examples of cues children give their parents when something is bothering them. You can never be a bad parent by listening to your child and seeking out support when support is needed.